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How Bringing Sexy Back Can Help You Slim Down–Even If You Do Not Feel Sexy Now

Sexy? Who, me?

Darling, I have a few questions for you:

Are you uncomfortable with sexual attention?

Are you convinced that you are not sexy, and willing to argue that anyone who thinks otherwise is deranged?

Are you caught in a bind, wanting to be enjoying the benefits of feeling sexy–flirting, receiving attention, enjoyment of your sexuality–but feel stopped by your weight and body image?

If so, rest assured, you’re not alone, I also used to be in your shoes. I was terrified by sexual attention, and with good reason. I’d had enough traumatic real-world experiences to know that the wrong kind of sexual attention can actually be dangerous.

My sexual desire, as well as the desire of others, was as a confusing, guilt-ridden, painful area of my life. I didn’t know how to have healthy boundaries, or even ask for what I wanted, sensually or sexually.

What I didn’t realize at the time was that my feeling at odds with desire, and cut off from feeling sexy, was preventing me from losing weight.

And if you can relate, I can literally guarantee it’s preventing you from slimming down too. Let me explain…

Feeling Sexy Needs To Happen First

Many women believe that they need to drop their extra weight in order to even consider feeling sexy. They assume, “Once I’m thin, then I’ll feel hot,” which is an understandable conclusion to draw.

Surprisingly though, over a decade of working with women to lose weight, I’ve discovered it’s the other way around.

In order to release your extra weight, you need to feel sexy first.

That’s right. When you start to embrace your natural erotic energy–I call it your erotic innocence–your extra weight can melt off your body as a natural consequence.

Feeling sexy needs to happen before weight loss does for a very powerful physiological reason:

  • When you don’t feeling sexy, or good about desiring sex, or about being desired, it’s stressful for your body, and that signals your metabolism to protect itself by holding onto and/or gaining weight. Healing this stress instantly increases your chances of inhabiting your body’s relaxation mode, the optimal state for calorie-burning and, therefore, for weight loss.

In other words, when you are at peace with your natural erotic energy, your body’s metabolism can shift towards the gear where it starts to drop extra weight, naturally.

Are you with me?

Whoa. All this Sexy Talk is Overwhelming!

Okay, let’s face it: all this talk about embracing your sexiness may feel scary and overwhelming. Let’s visit a few reasons why that may be:

“What if men interpret my sexiness as sexual availability, and hit on me, potentially arousing suspicion from my partner?”
“I’m a mother of 2 young kids. What if the other parents think I look ‘too sexy’ and gossip about or reject me?”
“What if I make other women, including my friends, colleagues, family and – ugh – my mother, feel uncomfortable because I exude sexuality and attractiveness?”
“What if my sexiness makes me a target for sexual violence?”

These are all honest and real concerns, and in this week’s blog I have some ideas to help you get over these hurdles. Explore the possibility of reclaiming your sexiness with these 3 suggestions.

Bringing Your Sexy Back

1. Instead of denying your fears about being sexy, get clear on them!

Write a list of everything and anything that feels vaguely threatening to you when you imagine yourself having a sexy body, feeling sexy to yourself and being perceived by others as sexy.

Being aware of these fears doesn’t instantly make them go away, but it’s the first step to overcoming them. Appreciating what you’re scared of, and why, gives you a new window of insight from which to explore alternative, empowering perspectives.

Pushing your fear under the carpet in denial only gives it more power. Laying it out in broad daylight however, emboldens you, giving you courage to embrace new attitude about being a sexy woman, no matter what has happened to you in the past.

2. Heal the wounds of your past and create a clear, empowered frame of reference for your future.

Your body is sacred and should never be touched without your consent, without exception, ever. However for the majority of girls and women, sexual violation, sometimes subtle and sometimes extreme, has been part of our experience of life. We are left with painful scars, and persistent weight gain that dieting won’t resolve is one of the tell-tale signs that there is still deep healing to be done.

If your boundaries have been violated in the past, as were mine, please receive my compassion, and know that it’s natural to gain weight as a protective mechanism.

Permanently losing the weight will require that you learn healthy boundaries and resolve the grief from your past. Healing the sexual wounds of your past is no simple process, and cannot be undertaken alone, but with the support of a coach, therapist or support group, the pain of even the worst conceivable violations, can be healed.

Painful as this topic may be, this is an invitation into reclaiming lost parts of yourself, and becoming whole again, on every level, from the root up. It may seem scary, but I promise you, every step you take towards healing your sexual wounds, moves you in the direction of an empowered, vibrant future, in a sustainably slim body that no diet can ever give you.

3. Acknowledge your (and everybody’s) natural pull towards sex.

As I mentioned, I call this pull “erotic innocence.” I feel this urge, you feel it, and every human in the world feels it. It’s innocent, natural and a beautiful part of having a sexual, living, breathing body.

Although our culture and media wrongly links human sexuality with dirtiness, violence and dominance, in truth, the innocence of the human impulse towards sex is so far from this. Your erotic innocence is organic, instinctive and pure – something to be enjoyed and expressed.

Being ashamed of your erotic energy, curiosity and attractions, takes away your power, and makes you a slave to the powers that be.

Don’t be fooled by society’s propaganda! Your inner peace, and consequently your lasting weight loss, depend on it.

My wish is that all women feel free and safe to express their erotic innocence in ways that feel fun, empowering and pleasurable.

Pole-dancing and bellydancing classes and other pro-sensuality environments are a great way to create support for the safe emergence of your natural impulse towards sensual pleasure.

Go Forth and Enjoy Your Sexiness!

When you heal your relationship with your sexuality, and start to be in sync with your innate and unique expression of your sexual energy, you’ll experience a corresponding shift in your body, likely sooner than you expect.

By freeing yourself from learned sexual shame, and healing yourself from sexual trauma, you’ll be laying the bedrock for permanent, pleasurable weight loss.

Now leave your bashfulness aside and share with me:

  1. What are your feelings about being perceived as sexy? Does it feel safe, or a bit scary?
  2. Can you think of a time when you felt radiantly sexy, in your own presence or around others? How did it feel? Were you self-conscious, or comfortably shining your sensual light?

And once you’re complete, send this post over to a friend who you’d love to see embracing her sexiness in a healthy, empowered (and pro-slimming) way.

With love,
 xo Jena

P.S. So much healing happened at my recent, hugely successful Pleasure Camp NYC, that I was not surprised to receive an email from a friend this week who wrote, “I just had a conversation with one of your Pleasure Camp attendees and she used to words “utterly life-changing” when describing her experience.”

To continue and deepen the magic, I’ve just opened registration for my 2013 Pleasure Immersion program. It’s my most powerful offering, no less than life-changing — guaranteed. Click here for more information and to immerse yourself in the healing powers of pleasure.





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  1. Jena, thank you for such a lovely, empowering post! I have to say that I didn’t feel sexy for a very long time – at least, the right kind of sexy. I was living alone in a foreign country at the time and I was very, very lonely. I ended up pinning my self-esteem on the fluctuating attention of men and went through periods of feeling amazing and feeling like utter crap. About 18 months in, however, I told myself that I was DONE with trying to find a partner, and lo and behold, I started dating the man that’s now my husband only weeks later. And, despite having birthed two children, I feel sexy on a fairly regular basis.

    As for the fears of being “too sexy” for the neighborhood moms? They’re perfectly valid, as suburban moms can be super judgmental of each other, but a healthy sexuality actually makes for good female friendships and fun dinner parties!

  2. Hello! I have been on both sides of that track. I don’t like the way Bringing Sexy Back sounds…. only because I don’t want to go back. I liked the young girl that I was then. Yet before I let her go, I want to also honor the woman’s image that I have worn since then because she has really helped me become not only sexy yet also wise as well. Some folks would think I am sexy now. Perhaps I need to say Bring Sexy Forward or Out!
    I am ready to let her Out again yet I remember when her younger self was out and confident those she loved had a difficult time with her being so comfortable. I have developed new skills to handle that ;mostly being honest with myself without fear of communicating that to others and really valuing my boundaries and communicating them ‘by any means necessary’ a.k.a. ‘in thought word or deed’. I feel like I need some kind of “rite of passage’ with this just in case I should happen to encounter this in relationships. The relationships I had when I felt confident and sexy were really good actually. The partners were really healthy for the most part. I just haven’t encountered any that were as healthy since then. I think I probably have some misconceptions about myself because of that. I have an interest right now and I think it I might letting it keep me from starting because he’s not a verbal as some of the one’s, I’ve dealt with when I was sexy and knew it. Once I return to Sexy and know it and Out, I have a feeling he may approach me at that time. It’s a gut feeling. I could use it against… yet it also scared me in away too! I am not holding my breath on whether he likes me or not either, However; and you can’t blame someone for being attracted to what they like (him not me). Okay now where to go from here… on just doing the skinny for me and no one else!

  3. Hey Jena (and other ladies),

    What a great topic! Prior to reading (and re-reading) this post, I had been struggling with feeling sexy and with my fears surrounding it. I’ve had a few sexual encounters lately, and thus it has sprouted up to the forefront of my mind.

    What I’ve found is that I am fairly confident in any exchange prior to sex (flirting, being playful, kissing etc.), but when actual sex is happening I seem to shut down. It’s always been difficult for me to reach orgasm (oh dear, my embarrassment is already peaking), and I find that I always feel guilty about it, even prior to trying. My first girlfriend used to get so frustrated that it took much longer for me to get there, and I think it’s still ingrained in me that I am being “a nuisance”. Of course logically I know that should not be the case; I mean, hell, I love having to take my time on a woman, but for some reason I feel guilty, especially when it’s so seemingly simple for other women. Then, when I shut down it’s difficult to even bring it back again. Mood. killer. I think I’d like someone to go really slow and work through it with me.

    So, I am comfortable in breaking out the sexy and being confident in the “pre-party”, but put me behind closed doors and I cease.

    Great topic. Definitely something I am looking forward to working on, no matter how scared shitless it makes me.

    Much love to all you sexy ladies,

  4. Oh, boy, do I ever struggle with this one.

    The big negative association with sexiness, for me is, “I want to be taken seriously, I want to be able to talk about professional stuff and be listened to, I don’t want to be ‘just’ the chick, I want to be treated like a person.” I have a hard time dealing with feminine details (dressing up, makeup, dancing, etc) because I get scared that playing a feminine role will lead to being disrespected and controlled and shut up. Of course there’s something not quite right there (I’ve seen very feminine women who are quite a bit more assertive than I am and don’t seem to be under anyone’s thumb) but being sexually attractive still feels really vulnerable and scary.

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