I’m going to ask you a really personal question: what is your deepest shame?

For years, mine was that I was bulimic. It began when I was 14 years old, a few years after my parents separated, and my life consisted of going back and forth between my Mum’s place and my Dad’s place.

At my Mum’s house, the fridge was almost empty–she would go to the supermarket every day or two, and buy just what we needed for the next few meals.

Meanwhile at my Dad’s house, the pantry was overflowing–there was always an abundance to eat, with food galore, including dessert.

My solution to this confusing contrast was to binge when I was at Dad’s house. And once I discovered (possibly through a magazine) that I could mask the effects of my pleasurable food binges by purging into the toilet bowl, I was off to the races.

Binging became my primary pleasure. And purging my way of pretending it never happened.

I was in such deep shame about this, that during the 5 whole years I struggled with bulimia, I never once confided in anyone! Not a soul!

I kept my painful secret all bottled up inside, and on the rare occasion if I was confronted by a friend or family member, I lied through my teeth, denying there was any issue.

But there was an issue. Privately I hated myself and despised my body. I felt that food was my enemy, and that my only solution was more discipline and self-control.

It took me 10 years of suffering to realize that I did need discipline, but not the kind I thought. 

I thought I needed the discipline to restrain my impulses, but what was really required, was the discipline to trust my impulses. What I needed was to lean in to my impulses. To have curiosity about them. To investigate the wisdom hidden inside them.

This flavor of discipline–that requires no restriction, but lots of loving attention–is now part of what I call the feminine strategies for weight loss, in which “weight” references the burdens you carry in your heart and mind, as much as the pounds on your body.

Once you start approaching your situation with the tools of the feminine approach in hand–kindness, forgiveness, gentleness, and curiosity to name a few–the burden of your shame will start to lose its grip.

And with shame no longer paralyzing you, your attention will be liberated to focus on what’s really going on with you. As you you do, there’s a high chance you’ll discover:

— Your feminine side is starving

— Your pleasure bucket is empty

— Your deepest desires are given little (if any) airtime on the stage of your life

Responding to these needs, my darling, is the most powerful step you can take towards lasting weight loss and a balanced, healthy, nourishing relationship with food.

If you’re struggling with food and your body right now, I welcome you to let go of all punishing approaches to slimming down, and in its place, to discover the how to feed your feminine side, fill your pleasure bucket and allow your deepest desires to be the bright stars that guide your path through life.

With love,

xo Jena