Valentine’s Day has in my experience been more of a let down than an occasion of amorous bliss, but henceforth I’m determined to turn the tide. Historically I’ve either been single at the time or had a partner that downplayed the affair as Hallmark cheese. Thus the day passed rather dismally, unpunctuated by memorable romantic gestures. Now I’m reclaiming the day as a celebration of the lover within, regardless of my relationship status.
Come with me now and travel in to the realm of metaphor and archetypes. Do you know this lover I am referring to? And do you know her counterpart the warrior? Every part of the life force within you constantly vacillates between two poles – lover energy and warrior energy. Most simply put, lover energy represents tenderness and warrior energy fierceness. The lover invites openness – be it in communication, digestion, breath or sexuality – compassion and union, whereas the warrior defines boundaries, resistance, tightness and closure. Neither is good nor bad – both are essential to thrive in life – but for Valentines Day let us pay homage to the lover.
In a perfect world a harmonious balance between lover and warrior would exist in all of us. Consider them not as inverse opposites of each other, where an increase in one requires a decrease of the other, but rather imagine them as operating on two separate dials that can be adjusted independently. Picture them as qualities that can either be mature or immature; the mature face is helpful and the immature face can get us in trouble! As we journey though life it is our job to cultivate the maturity.
Warrior Goddess
The mature warrior for example can say no to unwanted attention without being rude. Contrast this with the immature warrior, a child saying no by throwing a tantrum. The mature lover deeply enjoys pleasure in her body, while the immature lover lets herself be touched in ways that do not please her. Anyone who is not open equally to lover and warrior will be either a pushover or a tyrant. As both mature together, magic happens. Like epoxy glue with two separate tubes that mix to form an unbreakable bond, the warrior and lover in sync are an unshakeable force.
In the US, the unconscious collective pull is to glorify the warrior and deny the lover. Fierceness is exalted as the means to material success, and with some truth – being able to harness your power is crucial in any career – but tenderness is too often regarded as an Achilles-heel. To succumb to this tide and perceive the benefits of fierceness as a justification for neglecting tenderness is naïve and unfortunate.
If you overdo the warrior, always on the ball and ready to pounce, you will eventually wear yourself out. The internal biochemical environment required to constantly maintain the fire of fierceness depletes the adrenals and exhausts the body at its core. So if perchance your warrior has become overzealous now is good time to address the imbalance.
This Valentines let the day be an exploration of what makes your lover purr. Shine the light of your awareness onto the gentle side of yourself and turn the dial up where you can. In gratitude for the ways the lover enriches your life, make choices throughout the day that open and tenderize you.
For example, eat foods that pleasure and delight you. Try a fruit platter, freshly squeezed juice, a velvety smoothie, a decadent dessert or a creamy soup. Wear clothes in colors and fabrics that make you feel sensual and lovely. Put yourself in environments that soften and nourish your being. There is no right or wrong answer – it’s all up to you.
Basically whatever gives you pleasure is the domain of the lover. Pleasure evokes relaxation and attunes and sensitizes you to your environment invoking even more joy. When you are happy food tastes more delicious, touch feels more welcomed, sex feels more satisfying.
Science tells us that all beings are programmed to seek pleasure and avoid pain. Pleasure is the innocent driving impulse of all beings. When we embrace it consciously as a guide, as opposed to blindly acquiescing to its dictates, we are heeding evolution’s blueprint, one that advances us towards adaptive success. This allows us to choose our delights wisely, with ample doses of momentary and long term enjoyment. It also redresses the societal imbalance that favors the warrior over the lover.
When we are enjoying life our hearts, minds and cells all smile together. Their agreement that life is wonderful paves the way for health, happiness and great relationships. Pleasure heightens our very motivation to live. As we experience it streaming through our bodies it plugs us in to the immeasurable force of nature. The warrior gets to put down his weapons and the lover can shine.
Use Valentine’s Day to pleasure your body. Get a massage, either from a professional, a close friend 
or your partner. Touch is the most reliable and effective way to melt warrior energy.
In order to receive pleasure from touch you must let down your boundaries and generate openness within yourself. When we open to the touch of another human we open to life. The illusion of separation from life evaporates. As we feel our life force and that of another mingle, we are filled with a sense of oneness. Whether with a massage therapist of a beloved, when united by the pleasure of touch, we are one.
Let yourself be pampered. Treat yourself to a visit to a trusted healer or a spa you’ve been curious about.
Give yourself time to move languorously without a hint of rush.
Be present with the lover’s desires and give them a stage to dance on.
At home run a hot bath, scatter it with flower petals and create a fairytale for yourself. Put a cup of 
ginger tea and a plate of sliced fruits by the tub, light a candle and play music you love. Allow yourself to melt in the warmth of the water and sigh deeply in appreciation of the pleasure you have created for yourself. Relax into the softer things in life – moonlit strolls, long hugs, gentle sex.
One of the most beneficial qualities of experiencing pleasure is that it causes you to be present with your body; you can’t feel it unless you are. As enjoyment flushes through your being, as you feel yummy and alive in response to any of a myriad of pleasures available to you, delicious food, sensuous environments and many more, your attention is brought from wherever it has been wandering back to yourself. The good news for all of us is that any time we spend being present with our bodies’ is bound to trigger a regenerative process; in fact pleasure is the ultimate way to do so.
This regenerative process is the body’s version of hitting the reset button. It’s like rebooting your internal computer to flush out corrupted data. Whatever tensions are being held are released and the system returns to equilibrium. Simply put, pleasure heals.
For many of us, being present with the body is a scary concept. Keeping our awareness anywhere else seems easier. This is why embracing pleasure can be a daunting task. For some people there is so much suffering in their lives that they are totally alienated from their bodies. In pleasure, scary yet tantalizing pleasure, lies your key and only hope. Remembering their lover-self will reanimate your being.
The ironic thing is it takes work to create pleasurable experiences. When we are working too hard, caught in warrior mode and the modern cult where speed is our god, it takes dedication and discipline to create soft space. However your lover will only grow if you are faithful to her.
It doesn’t help that we lack teaching in this area. Kids grow up in sterile atmospheres, devoid of sensuality training. Their parents have sex behind closed doors and sensuousness is frowned upon. Many of us forget that a life of pleasure can exist. The warrior grows fat as the lover withers away.
If our conditioning didn’t impede our proclivity, pleasure would be our natural inclination. Whenever you come across objections to pleasure it is a sign that there is something to heal. If you resist and reject pleasure, look under the surface and you may find a wound. Pay it loving attention and it will mend itself.
Shamelessly romance yourself on Valentine’s Day. Let the lover feature as prominently in the myth of your life as the warrior. Enjoy the seduction. Lace even your fierceness with tenderness and delight. As you feel into the latent longing in your heart, remember that openness is always the key to ecstasy and bliss.
New York, New York
